Trill's Story

Trill's Story

I had an OB appointment on Wednesday the 17 of June at 36w6d and everything was fine. Mini’s little heart was beating away and she was the perfect size/weight and everything. OB said he would see me again in a week. I then had my last two days at work on the Thursday and Friday. I was so busy and distracted I don't know what movements I felt in those two days. I definitely remember feeling Mini move on the Thursday night when we were watching the Footy Show. I went to my sister in laws baby shower on the Saturday and was really uncomfortable all day. Mini’s feet felt like they were up in my ribs and all I could think about was I just want a couple of days to relax and then I'm happy for Mini to be born!! I'm over being pregnant.

About 6:30pm on Saturday 20 June I has some bleeding and fluid loss. I called the hospital and they said all normal, this may be the start of labour or may not and to wait for contractions to start. My husband had an 8pm hockey game and said he wouldn’t go but I told him to go saying that it could be hours/days before anything really started to happen. I asked him to give his phone to someone on the sideline just in case. My contractions started soon after he left. I started timing them and by the time he got home at 10:30pm I had just called the hospital back. My contractions were really close together and they said to come on in. We were so excited! Mini was coming tonight. We were going to have our baby.

The midwife checked me over and was having trouble finding Mini’s heartbeat. I didn't really think much of it as my OB had taken a while to find it on the Wednesday because of the position she was in. The next thing we knew, she left the room and then came back, saying that she had just called my OB. I freaked out....why was she calling him in??.....there must be something wrong. I will never forget his words 'I'm sorry but I can't find a heartbeat' It took what felt like forever for it to sink in. I think I even told him to look harder and find it and how did he know for sure the baby was dead. I will also never forget the moment that I realised that Mini had died and I had to deliver my stillborn baby.

Charlotte Isabel Singh was born sleeping on Sunday 21 June 2015 at 10:28am. (37w3d) She was 3.28kg and 51cm long. She was perfect. She had the most angelic shaped lips, a little white button nose, chubby fingers (just like Mummy) and long flat feet (just like Daddy).

The emotions we went through in the 10.5 hours in that birthing suite are ones that I will never forget. Screaming that it was not fair that I had to go through all this and I didn’t even get a live baby at the end of it. Being asked if we wanted to have an autopsy done on Charlotte. Having to decide if we wanted Heartfelt to come in and take photos, which we initially said no to but after gentle persuasion from the midwife, agreed to – something I will be eternally grateful to her for. The joy when I realised I had a girl after being convinced almost my whole pregnancy that we were having a boy. And the most challenging emotion of them all, having my little girl on my chest for 2 hours, longing for her to take a breath, to hear her cry and open her eyes.

Over 3 years later, we have a second beautiful daughter, Leila Charlotte and I am pregnant with our third child. I don't even know where to begin to explain the journey following losing Charlotte. To say it changed our lives forever just scratches the surface. Things that we always thought were a 'no brainer' like having another child, took months and months of discussion and counseling. My career as I knew it came to an end and I'm still not sure what I'm going to do when I 'grow up'. I don't believe that it gets easier, rather, you learn to live with this 'new normal' that will always be.

Not a day passes when Charlotte is not on my mind. These days, I cherish the moments that Leila has with her big sister. We were always determined for Leila to know her sister and it breaks my heart but at the same time makes my heart sing to see Leila cuddle and talk to 'Charlotte Bear' or point to her photo and say 'Baby Char Char'.

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